Director's Wave | Volume 6 Edition 3

Dear CIS Community,

Something to Ponder

“Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.” - Robert Fulghum

When walking home I like to slip into a local store for some air conditioning and to look to see if there are any televisions for sale. I do this so much that the staff do not come and ask me if I need help - they merely know me as the odd person who looks at televisions, measures them with a pocket tape measure, looks wistfully and leaves just before the store closes.

Tuesday night while measuring and staring at a television I might purchase one day, I overheard two very different conversations. One essentially went like … Child - “Mom, can you get this television for our house?” Mother - “No I can’t it is too much and you know we need money for food and school clothes right now.” Child - “Okay.” The second conversation I overheard went like … Child - “Mom, can you get this television for my room?” Mother - “No, I can't, it is too much.” Child - “It is not too much, we can buy lots of things, we have money.” Mother - “Yes, but I can’t.” Child - “Please, yes you can.” This exchange went on for a bit, seemingly to the discomfort of the mother and the child mildly oblivious to the fact the mother wanted the exchange to stop.

In some ways, I have been having the same two conversations with myself about twice a week because I would like a larger television, yet in reality the one I have works fine enough. When the price of the television was too much for me it was an easy decision - I could not get the television because I can’t afford it. Last week, the television went on sale. I can probably afford it now, yet thus far I have begrudgingly decided that I won’t get a new, larger television. The key words of can’t and won’t cause some mild internal strife in my head. Specifically the challenge of knowing in reality I can get the new television because the sale price makes it affordable to me - thus the internal struggle between can’t / can and won’t / will. This internal conversation I was having with myself, which will likely continue this weekend when I take 20 minutes to look at larger televisions for sale while enjoying air conditioning, seems oddly relevant to the context of many families in the Cayman Islands - namely when it comes to material purchases. The dilemma when it comes to parenting is saying “won’t” might matter more than saying “I can’t” or “I can” or “yes”.

For parents, particularly affluent parents, saying, for example, "I can't get you a new phone" is probably misleading and could be potentially damaging. Our children are great observers; they see the presence of luxury cars, the multiple homes, comfortable vacations and seemingly effortless purchases. When parents claim they "can't" afford something, children quickly learn that this translates to "I don't want to," creating confusion about what they perceive as honesty and in some cases potentially eroding trust in parental communication.

The compounded risk being, the "can't" approach in wealthy households can inadvertently teach children that money solves all problems and that limitations are merely inconveniences to be overcome with sufficient resources.

Saying, for example, "I won't get you a new phone" requires something far more challenging than financial resources - it requires elements of courage - especially when being confronted by cute smiles, singular negotiating skills of adolescents, and the prospect of ired whining in some cases. It means wealthy parents must articulate and defend values-based decisions in a world where money could easily make material problems disappear. This approach acknowledges the family's capability while establishing that resources do not automatically equal entitlement and immediate gratification.

It is postulated that affluent parents who choose "won't" over "can't" are essentially creating purposeful boundaries in an increasingly boundaryless world. They might say, "I won't replace your phone because learning to care for your possessions is more valuable than the convenience of having a new one," or "I won't hire someone to do your project or clean your room because the struggle of figuring it out yourself builds character that money might not be able to buy."

As one parent, who was in the Forbes 500, shared with me many years ago, people can lose their ambition, and can lose their pride, and they can lose their sense of self worth when wealth removes natural consequences. Perhaps there is a balance - not in material circumstances, but in maintaining the mindset and values that make struggle meaningful, regardless of bank account balances.

For affluent parents, "I won't" has the potential to become a tool for fostering their children's humanity in a world of abundance.

So back to my “first world problem” … the dilemma of purchasing a larger television. I still do not know what I will do. Will I practice the potential power of “won’t” or will I succumb to the ease of using my credit card, give my current television away and enjoy watching a movie at home on a bigger screen? I honestly do not know.

One thing I do know is that the CIS Welcome Back BBQ on Saturday, 30 August from 4:00 pm to 6:00 pm is a lovely event and I hope to see you there.

Sincerely,

Jim